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Grandma Maggie answers questions about parenting and childcare issues only. She is a mother of four girls and grandmother to two boys and two girls. Maggie is trained in early childhood education, and was the owner of a successful day care center for many years. |
Teens can get their questions answered on Grandma Maggie's other website, Ask-Anything.com.
I have a three-and-a-half-year-old called Milla. At the moment she's going backwards in terms of toilet training. I fully toilet trained her to the stage where she wouldn't wet at night. I put her into daycare 3 days a week while I studied. She's been there for 9 months now and toileting has gone out the window. Her teachers say she refuses to sit on the toilet and screams for a nappy. They seem to think it is my fault, but I've tried explaining she only does it at daycare and is good at home, but the blame keeps coming home. She was only having wee accidents at daycare but after Christmas she started having number 2's as well. I'm at the end of my tether. I'm not sure what has happened at daycare or if it is the handling of her accidents.
Signed,
Milla's mum
I don't understand why you tell people only the biological father should be called daddy. Any person can make a child, but it takes a real man or woman to be a mommy or daddy. What about adopted children? Should they call their parents by the first names simply because they didn't create them? My son's donor and I separated while I was pregnant. I call him that because that's all he was -- I got pregnant and he bailed. My sons "daddy" came into our lives when he
was two months old. Even when we split up for a couple of months he was still a father to my child. Blood doesn't make you a parent, love does.
Grandma Maggie
P.S. An adoption makes the other male legally a father, so it makes sense that he be called daddy because an adoption is for the life of a child.
Dear Grandma,
I have a one year old and and another on the way. How should I punish him?
Thanks.
The word discipline means to teach and the best way to do that is by example. Children need limits, love, nutritious food, exercise, and a safe atmosphere in which to flourish. My suggestion is to get a parenting book. I like T. Berry Brazelton's "Touchpoints, your child from Birth to Three." This book is available at Amazon or your local library. Another idea is to call your local health department and ask if they have parenting classes available. It's great to learn with other parents some of the things that work with children.
Good luck,
Grandma Maggie
Dear Grandma,
My name is Kelly. I'm 25, and a single mom to two little boys. Keenan is 5 and Aiden is 3. Keenan and Aiden do not have the same fathers and that's where my problems come in. My friend, Tim, is Keenan's father. I have been friends with him since I was 15. We had a drunken one night stand 5 years ago and Keenan was the product. Tim has been in Keenan's life since we learned he was his father, when Keenan was about 1. He has Keenan every other week. Tim and I are still very good friends. We are civil toward each other, and we even take Keenan (and Aiden) out together. Aiden knows Tim is not his father. I know who his father is and I had his rights to Aiden taken away because he's not a good person. However, because Keenan and Aiden are such close brothers, sometimes Tim offers to take Aiden for the week sometimes and I let him.
My question: Keenan asked me a few days ago why Tim and I aren't married or together. And I didn't want to say, "You were a one night stand baby." What should I say to him? Thanks a lot, you're a total life saver and I think you give great advice.
Signed,
Kelly
For now both boys are surrounded by love and I think you are doing just fine. As far as Keenan asking why you and Tim don't live together, tell him the truth. That you were close enough at one time to create him and both of you love him dearly. However, you both agreed that you were happier living apart. Then say something to the effect of, "And aren't we lucky to all live so close and have each other in our lives? That makes me happy."
Grandma Maggie
Dear Grandma Maggie
Hi! I am 34 years old and I am expecting my first child. My partner and I are thrilled and have a solid relationship of more than 8 years. My family situation is complicated and it appears that it may be even more so with the birth of this child.
My parents divorced when I was about 4. My bio mother was unable to follow through on being in the picture for various reasons and we have had a challenging relationship over the past 30 years or so years. My stepmother (whom I consider my "mom" as she raised me) and I are very close, yet she and my father are not thrilled that I am having a baby out of "wedlock." They have sort of gotten over their initial resistance to the idea and are now more supportive and caring. However, due to their religious and moralistic beliefs, they have still not told my 14-year-old little sister that I am pregnant and I am almost 5 months along.
On the other hand, my bio-mom is totally thrilled, really nurturing and really focused on this next generation of life. My contact with her has increased from virtually no contact up until the last 6 months to almost daily emails. We don't talk on the phone as this type of contact has lead to serious issues in our relationshp in the past. She is also compromised in her health. She is about 59 and has 2 strokes and 2 heart attacks within the last 10 years or so. Her time on this earth and enjoying her grandchild may be limited.
One issue I am having is that bio mom has been in my life for a total of maybe 6 out of my 34 years and yet has this very mom-like affinity for being in my life. She always signs her emails to me with "Love, Mom" and it sort of makes me uncomfortable because her mom role was severely compromised and then assumed by my stepmother.
My major concern is in regards to when the baby is born and the preceding shower/preparation. Who do I invite? How do I mitigate the potential issues that may arise between both sets of parents in the waiting room, at my home, during the shower, etc., and how to I respect both of their roles in my life without either feeling compromised by the other's presence? I know for a fact that my stepmother and birth mother would be very uncomfortable being in the same room with each other and my father may even decide to not be involved at all if he has to interact with his ex-wife.
What do you think? What is the most tactful way to handle this? I would like all of the emotional support and love I can get, and I would like to pay respect to the involvement that both sides have had in my life and will have in their grandchild's life, but I also don't want to deal with the tension that will come with that given the negative history between both sides of my family.
Thanks, any advice is certainly appreciated.
Sincerely,
JW
Santa Cruz, CA
Here's the thing. If you want both women to be part of your life and the baby's life then do what you think is the right thing. Treat them both with kindness. I'd say put both women on the invitation list. If they are uncomfortable they will have to solve it themselves, working it out because they both love you. People can amaze you and come through for you in ways you never thought possible. If not, then they are the ones in the wrong and you did the right thing.
Best of luck,
Grandma Maggie
Grandma,
I was 23 when I got pregnant after the doctors had told me for years it was impossible. But my fiancé at the time thought I lied and left me. I was in a relationship through half my pregnancy until about a week ago and I don’t know whether I should continue calling the second man daddy? He says he wants to be in her life, but he has two other children from a previous marriage that he rarely sees. His track record for taking care of his children isn’t very good. Should I trust him to stick around?
Thanks,
Abigail’s Mommy
Never muddy the waters with your child. Be honest and upright from the beginning and that includes calling NO ONE but her biological father Daddy, whether he is in her life or not. Between her biological father and her supposedly substitute father I would trust neither to be there when you need them. Just trust yourself. Have her call any male in your life by his first name only. Don't force a relationship that doesn't exist. It is not the name one uses but the way the relationship is carried out.
Good luck.
GRandma Maggie
Dear Grandma Maggie:
Hi my name is Fallon and I'm the 23-year-old mother of two baby boys. My older one is 2-years-old and my little guy is 1. I have two problems that I think I'm going to need your help with. My older one is in the middle of potty training. Now he is completely potty trained at daycare but when he gets home he doesn't let us know he needs to go to the bathroom. Now I should probably inform you that he's not really talking yet but he still at least stands by the teacher and lets her know when he has to go potty. There is a few times he will go at home, when someone can catch it. And we do show him how happy we are by dancing around and calling him a big boy and everything but it's just not consistent. What can I do to help him go at home on a regular basis? My other problem is simply this: they don't sleep in their own beds. My little one will at least fall asleep in his bed but he eventually ends up with me sometime during the night. And my older one is not even interested in lying down in his bed at all. If I try to put him in his bed he freaks out, he starts throwing his tantrums until I finally give in and allow him to sleep with me. What can I do to put my boys to sleep in their bed and make sure they stay in there all night? Please help, I haven't had a full night's sleep in 3 years.
The answer to children sleeping in their own room is to tell them that each time they come into your bed, they will be taken back to their bed. Then you must do it consistently, and not even cave once. Put him in, let him freak out and you sit on the floor a few feet from the bed. Tell him once, "It's bedtime" and then do NOT engage in any conversation with him except to say the word "bedtime" once or twice. If he gets out of bed, put him back. I don't know if you have noticed but you are quite a bit larger than a two year old. You are also the parent and set the rules. If you have confidence you need not yell but just be firm and consistent. I wish you the best.
Grandma Maggie
Hi Grandma Maggie,
I am expecting my third grand-baby next July and we are hoping that it is a little girl. My first granddaughter's name was SarahAshley Lynn and I would like to see if you can help me with a name to pick out for this one. I found a few in the list of names, but I want something that is special because I don't know if I will be able to be at the birth of this one or not. If you could give me some advice I sure would appreciate it.
Thanks,
Kimberley, a Proud Grandma
I am going to give you some good advice and I hope you take it. The name should be one that both parents love with no input from anyone else, particularly grandparents. The grandparents got to name their babies, now it's the parents' turn. Your job is to be elated with your grandchild, no matter the gender or what that child will be named by it's parents. This is the best gift you could ever give your daughter.
Kindest regards,
Grandma Maggie
Dear Grandma Maggie,
I am pregnant with quadruplets! My husband and I cannot believe it. I was worried before that my four-year-old daughter, Peyton, would have adjustment issues with one new baby, but four? This house is going to be crazy! She is a sweetheart. She has no behavior issues, or anything like that -- I'm just worried. Before I thought it will only change a bit, so we won't have any major issues to worry about. But she is going to be kind of alone. When the babies get older it will be the quadruplets and then just Peyton. Any advice?
Thanks so much,
Lorraine
What do you mean, "and then just Peyton?" This shows that your expectations are such that Peyton will be ignored and this doesn't have to happen. When any relatives or friends ask what you want as a baby gift, tell them that you want time with Peyton. If it's only a half hour to take her for an ice cream cone, then do it. You and your husband must make all five of the children your priority and that's hard to do, I know, but Peyton is part of those five. You can also include her in chores that concern the babies and praise her for the help she offers. "Thank you, Peyton. You are a big help and I appreciate it." Talk about when she was a baby. Talk about what she likes now. Talking is something you can do while you are doing other things. Tell her the birth of the quads makes you remember when she was born and how sweet it was to have her. Don't overdo it, but try to get one or two of the Peyton stories in each day.
If you can connect with other parents of multiples, that would also help you with some of the problems you are about to face. Try now to do some searching for those groups so you will be prepared when the time comes.
Good luck!
Grandma Maggie
Hi Grandma:
I am 7 months pregnant with a baby boy and I just really need some advice on what to do. My son's father and I didn't work out at all. He left me when I was 3 months pregnant, yet every now and then he wants to be a dad and he will go buy his son something, but then he says that he's not his child. What do I do? I just want to give up, because it hurts me so bad that he would say something like that. I don't want to put my son in that situation, to be around a person that doesn't care about him. I need some advice please.
Thank you,
Ashlee
The first obligation you have is not to worry about your hurt, but to protect your child. I suggest you get a DNA testing on your son and his father so that the man cannot deny parentage. Next he has financial obligations to any child who is his, and you must have that put in place legally. Always leave the door open for this young man to spend time with his son but insist he behaves appropriately and says nothing that could hurt the boy. You are not the only single parent, and it's a really hard job. However, now that you are having a baby, that baby must come first, my dear.
Let me know how it goes.
My best,
Grandma Maggie
Hi there!
It's great to find your resources. I have an 11 day old baby girl (Annabelle). This is our first child (my husband and I) and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I had a C-section last week & I'm still recovering. It's frustrating when you can't 'do' as much as you like, though usually I do it anyway because I don't want to miss out!
However, that's besides the point. I noticed yesterday while feeding her she had flaky skin around her ankles, wrists. Now this morning I noticed she'd got it all over her tummy. I was planning on giving her a sponge bath this afternoon or evening, and didn't want to dry her out anymore.
Is baby lotion safe? Baby oil seems to 'oily' for me, but if that's what it takes... Your advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you so much!
Lori
First babyitis is hard to beat. We Mamas want to do it all. Newborns often have flaky skin while adjusting to this new world they are in. Using baby lotion on a child this young is safe as long as it's fragrance-free.
Also, try not to make demands on yourself to participate in everything you "used to do." Better for both of you that you spend this time rocking and cuddling Annabelle as much as possible. Do you understand how often an older sister (me) would love to just hold one of their babies and do some serious rocking and snuggling once again? These are the important things, my dear.
With envy,
Grandma Maggie
PS: Please also bring your concern to your pediatrician so that s(he) may address whatever health and skin worries that you may have!
Dear Grandma Maggie,
I have a daughter who is 12. She is in the sixth grade. The three of us (my husband, my daughter and I) decided that we would try to have another baby. My daughter is learning in science about where babies come from and all that, so she understands the process. Unfortunately, I just found out we failed. I had a miscarriage. My husband and I are so upset. It is heartbreaking. My daughter should know that she will not be having a little brother/sister, but I don’t know how to tell her. I mean, how do you tell your twelve-year-old daughter (after she admitting feeling a bit lonely at times, and that she wanted a little sibling) that you had a miscarriage? It’s hard enough for my husband and me to deal with it, but a child? Please give me some advice.
Thank you.
Cindy
First let me offer you my condolences for your loss. Next, I think you must tell you’re twelve year old immediately that you had a miscarriage and there will be no baby in the near future. She also needs to feel the loss before she can get beyond it. I want to make one more suggestion. I think it's important that you mention that one child does not ever replace another, but you are so glad you had her and the joy of her birth with no complications. If either of you cry, so be it. Tell her you know how she feels. Handling this thoroughly at this time will help your daughter learn coping life skills that will be helpful for her throughout her lifetime.
Blessings on all of you.
Grandma Maggie
Dear Grandma,
I can't seem to get my mother-in-law to back off and respect my parenting skills and religion. I'm of one religion and happy about it. She has left this religion and is now Born-Again. All she wants is my daughter to follow in her religion and do the very thing she does best: hurt people with a book. How do I tell her that it’s not a weapon?
Help!
It's not your job to educate your mother-in-law. Your job is to give your own child religious training if that's how you want to have her grow up. But let's face it, many kids adopt a new religion when they are adults, or leave the one that they were raised in.
However, it is kind to respect all religions and not degrade them by saying rude things about them. If your mother-in-law starts in, just say to your daughter, "You know Grandma believes in one religion and we believe in another. What I want you to know is it's important to respect everyone's choices." And I would say it in front of your mother-in-law.
If she continues, you and your husband will have to discuss this. It's his mother so he should be the one to tell her discussing religion is out of the question because of her attitude and if she cannot be quiet about her choices you will have to limit her time with your child. That would really be sad. Kids need all the love they can get from every side. What they don't need is to be exposed to bigotry.
Kindest regards,
Grandma Maggie
Grandma Maggie is not a medical professional and writes purely from her own experience as a mother, grandmother and caregiver. Her advice is her opinion only, and should only be taken as one woman's opinions, which may not be appropriate for everyone. Each situation merits its own evaluation. If seeking medical advice, please call your family pediatrician.
I think you would be wiser to stop looking where to place the blame and started worrying about what is up with Milla.
If this only happens at day care, and never when she is home with you, then it seems pretty clear she wants to be home with you and/or not at day care. Crying for a nappy is crying to once more be a baby. This is probably to be with you since that's where she was when she was a baby.
Is it possible to postpone the studies until Milla is a bit older? Or perhaps you could exchange play dates with another mother. That way, she might be more comfortable with a friend rather than in the daycare. This is a difficult situation and I would suggest if it's not settled you seek professional help, because I am just taking a few guesses here and they may be way off track.
Kindest regards,
Grandma Maggie