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Grandma Maggie answers questions about parenting and childcare issues only. She is a mother of four girls and grandmother to two boys and two girls. Maggie is trained in early childhood education, and was the owner of a successful day care center for many years.
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Teens can get their questions answered on Grandma Maggie's other website, Ask-Anything.com.
Dear Grandma,
My daughter lives in Zew Zealand and her son is 22 months old. She told me this weekend that he has turned into a monster overnight. He throws tantrums constantly but she says he is very aggressive and hits out at her or her husband and virtually throws himself out of their arms. If they are out anywhere and he doesn’t want to leave, he throws a tantrum and the list of tantrums carries on and on.
I would like your advice because my girls never were tantrum queens – just maybe the odd one every now and again and I used to give them a smack and put them in their rooms. As far as grandchildren go, I only have my granddaughter who lives near us to go by and she has never been a tantrum child.
Please help,
Marilyn
Dear Maggie,
My daughter is 14 months and she has recently spent some time with her grandma, sleeping at her grans for a day or two at most.
Last week she slept there for two days and when we brought her home she was very unusual. She didn't want to cuddle me or come to me. Instead she went to her dad and anyone that was in the house but me. I put my hands out for her to come to me and she would not. Instead she turned around and went to my friend and cuddled her. She says no or pushes me away if I go to get her when she falls. Instead she gets up and goes to her dad. She won't play with me or come to me. I'm worried. Please help me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I feel like she doesn't love me.
Thank you.
It seems to me that you are associating the estrangement that you feel from your daughter with her grandmother. Even if something was said about you, the baby could not understand any negative words at her age.
Perhaps what it might be is she associates you with discipline and what she would feel as negative requests like bedtime or eating when she is not ready. She also might be upset that you are leaving her for a few days. There are things mothers must do that grandparents can sort of do in a different way. Grandmas have more time to do them and they are usually not in a hurry to get out of the house like perhaps a working mother might be.
I have to also say there are many times a mother feels unloved by her child. It goes with the territory. What you might try is spending some time with the baby and her grandmother at Gran's house and watch how she does things. Maybe you can catch a clue that way.
Don't attribute emotions and feelings to a child that she is not capable of at her age. Instead, try to find what is causing the estrangement.
My best,
Grandma Maggie
I am 18 years old, and have a 4 month old baby girl, Judith. She and I live with her father, and as of late, things between him and me have become increasingly strained. I usually wake up at around 6 a.m., when Judy wakes up, to take care of her. I have to wake him up around 1 to 2 p.m. He complains about how little sleep he's getting, because he chooses to stay up till 4:30 a.m., and also complains that he takes care of Judy more than I do after he wakes up, which I think is unfair. I do my fair share caring for her, and I also try to pick up the slack for him, but I refuse to let him lounge about and do nothing when he insists he wants to have so much of a part in her life.
Also, it's hard for me to manage Judy on my own sometimes, because at 4 months old, she's already longer than my torso and weighs almost more than I could lift before pregnancy. (I am a very tiny woman, and she is a very big baby.) Am I really being unfair in insisting that he get over it and help me care for her, since he says that's what he wants to do? Or should I just let him sleep, like he wants, to avoid further confrontation and the resulting stress?
I think the best thing for you to do is take the time to sit down and talk to Judy's father when he is up and awake and not involved in whatever he does until 4 in the morning. If he claims he wants to be part of her life then ask him what part? Does he also go out to work? If not then it's only fair he contribute to the house hold by sharing either the house upkeep or the childcare. Otherwise he's just making more work for you.
Grandma Maggie
Hello,
I am 23 and pregnant with my first child, a girl. My boyfriend and I have already chosen our baby's first name but are stuck on giving her a middle one. My problem is his mother. She keeps telling me what to name my child and is now insistent that I use her mother's name as a middle name(my MIL's mom). I hate the name and also do not see the point of naming my child after someone who has been dead since before I was even born.
Not only is my future MIL controlling and bossy, but also very emotional and cries any time she doesn't get her way. She also assumes she will be present during my labor and delivery, and she will not. My boyfriend and I have already agreed that we want that to be between us. How can I possibly tell her firmly no about her name suggestions without making her overly upset? Also, how can we break it to her that she will also not be present during delivery? Thank you for any advice you can give.
Cathy
Ok first thing: you should NOT be handling this, your husband should step up to the plate and handle this. After all it's his mother.
Second, the message to give her is that you and your husband are the ones who will name your child. She named hers, you and your husband will name yours.
Finally, you decide who will be in the delivery room when you give birth. You also don't have to worry about that, because your husband will inform her and he will do so without laying off any blame on anyone. Again, it's what you have BOTH decided and that's that.
Boundaries must be set and the person who is the child of the one interfering must do it.
My best,
Grandma Maggie
Dear Grandma Maggie,
My four year old son has always been a good eater and never had a problem devouring whatever I put in front of him. However, around May of this year he developed a picky palette and as I refuse to be a short order cook I tell him that if he chooses not to eat what Mommy made then he will not get anything else. (This was after our attempt to make him at least taste it but that just brought on tantrums).
I firmly believe that I should stick to this, especially as it sets an example for my two year old daughter as well. However, we are at the point now that he skips dinner (and sometimes lunch) at least four nights a week! I am concerned that he is not getting enough nutrients but I also do not want to start giving him snacks every time he asks - which is QUITE often. I am at a loss and just do not know what to do anymore.
Lea
I think you should do two things. Have your son checked by your doctor first, then think about what is happening in your home and if this could be affecting his eating patterns.
If all checks out as OK, then stick to your guns with one exception. When he doesn't eat but then complains about being hungry, instead of stressing getting nothing as a punishment, tell him he's probably hungry because he didn't eat, and you bet he will eat well at the next meal.
Set aside a drawer or shelf in the refrigerator and keep carrot sticks, celery and other fruits there as snacks. I would allow him a snack at a time any other child would be given one, but it should be limited in amounts by you, and eaten sitting down at a table and not grazing.
The last thing is, never discuss eating or what he is not eating with him or at the table with others. Picky eaters get a lot of attention for food not eaten. Best to withdraw attention given for anything negative.
Good luck!
Grandma Maggie
Grandma,
I was 23 when I got pregnant after the doctors had told me for years it was impossible. But my fiancé at the time thought I lied and left me. I was in a relationship through half my pregnancy until about a week ago and I don’t know whether I should continue calling the second man daddy? He says he wants to be in her life, but he has two other children from a previous marriage that he rarely sees. His track record for taking care of his children isn’t very good. Should I trust him to stick around?
Thanks,
Abigail’s Mommy
Never muddy the waters with your child. Be honest and upright from the beginning and that includes calling NO ONE but her biological father Daddy, whether he is in her life or not. Between her biological father and her supposedly substitute father I would trust neither to be there when you need them. Just trust yourself. Have her call any male in your life by his first name only. Don't force a relationship that doesn't exist. It is not the name one uses but the way the relationship is carried out.
Good luck.
GRandma Maggie
Dear Grandma Maggie:
Hi my name is Fallon and I'm the 23-year-old mother of two baby boys. My older one is 2-years-old and my little guy is 1. I have two problems that I think I'm going to need your help with. My older one is in the middle of potty training. Now he is completely potty trained at daycare but when he gets home he doesn't let us know he needs to go to the bathroom. Now I should probably inform you that he's not really talking yet but he still at least stands by the teacher and lets her know when he has to go potty. There is a few times he will go at home, when someone can catch it. And we do show him how happy we are by dancing around and calling him a big boy and everything but it's just not consistent. What can I do to help him go at home on a regular basis? My other problem is simply this: they don't sleep in their own beds. My little one will at least fall asleep in his bed but he eventually ends up with me sometime during the night. And my older one is not even interested in lying down in his bed at all. If I try to put him in his bed he freaks out, he starts throwing his tantrums until I finally give in and allow him to sleep with me. What can I do to put my boys to sleep in their bed and make sure they stay in there all night? Please help, I haven't had a full night's sleep in 3 years.
The answer to children sleeping in their own room is to tell them that each time they come into your bed, they will be taken back to their bed. Then you must do it consistently, and not even cave once. Put him in, let him freak out and you sit on the floor a few feet from the bed. Tell him once, "It's bedtime" and then do NOT engage in any conversation with him except to say the word "bedtime" once or twice. If he gets out of bed, put him back. I don't know if you have noticed but you are quite a bit larger than a two year old. You are also the parent and set the rules. If you have confidence you need not yell but just be firm and consistent. I wish you the best.
Grandma Maggie
Hi Grandma Maggie,
I am expecting my third grand-baby next July and we are hoping that it is a little girl. My first granddaughter's name was SarahAshley Lynn and I would like to see if you can help me with a name to pick out for this one. I found a few in the list of names, but I want something that is special because I don't know if I will be able to be at the birth of this one or not. If you could give me some advice I sure would appreciate it.
Thanks,
Kimberley, a Proud Grandma
I am going to give you some good advice and I hope you take it. The name should be one that both parents love with no input from anyone else, particularly grandparents. The grandparents got to name their babies, now it's the parents' turn. Your job is to be elated with your grandchild, no matter the gender or what that child will be named by it's parents. This is the best gift you could ever give your daughter.
Kindest regards,
Grandma Maggie
Dear Grandma Maggie,
I am pregnant with quadruplets! My husband and I cannot believe it. I was worried before that my four-year-old daughter, Peyton, would have adjustment issues with one new baby, but four? This house is going to be crazy! She is a sweetheart. She has no behavior issues, or anything like that -- I'm just worried. Before I thought it will only change a bit, so we won't have any major issues to worry about. But she is going to be kind of alone. When the babies get older it will be the quadruplets and then just Peyton. Any advice?
Thanks so much,
Lorraine
What do you mean, "and then just Peyton?" This shows that your expectations are such that Peyton will be ignored and this doesn't have to happen. When any relatives or friends ask what you want as a baby gift, tell them that you want time with Peyton. If it's only a half hour to take her for an ice cream cone, then do it. You and your husband must make all five of the children your priority and that's hard to do, I know, but Peyton is part of those five. You can also include her in chores that concern the babies and praise her for the help she offers. "Thank you, Peyton. You are a big help and I appreciate it." Talk about when she was a baby. Talk about what she likes now. Talking is something you can do while you are doing other things. Tell her the birth of the quads makes you remember when she was born and how sweet it was to have her. Don't overdo it, but try to get one or two of the Peyton stories in each day.
If you can connect with other parents of multiples, that would also help you with some of the problems you are about to face. Try now to do some searching for those groups so you will be prepared when the time comes.
Good luck!
Grandma Maggie
Hi Grandma:
I am 7 months pregnant with a baby boy and I just really need some advice on what to do. My son's father and I didn't work out at all. He left me when I was 3 months pregnant, yet every now and then he wants to be a dad and he will go buy his son something, but then he says that he's not his child. What do I do? I just want to give up, because it hurts me so bad that he would say something like that. I don't want to put my son in that situation, to be around a person that doesn't care about him. I need some advice please.
Thank you,
Ashlee
The first obligation you have is not to worry about your hurt, but to protect your child. I suggest you get a DNA testing on your son and his father so that the man cannot deny parentage. Next he has financial obligations to any child who is his, and you must have that put in place legally. Always leave the door open for this young man to spend time with his son but insist he behaves appropriately and says nothing that could hurt the boy. You are not the only single parent, and it's a really hard job. However, now that you are having a baby, that baby must come first, my dear.
Let me know how it goes.
My best,
Grandma Maggie
Hi there!
It's great to find your resources. I have an 11 day old baby girl (Annabelle). This is our first child (my husband and I) and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I had a C-section last week & I'm still recovering. It's frustrating when you can't 'do' as much as you like, though usually I do it anyway because I don't want to miss out!
However, that's besides the point. I noticed yesterday while feeding her she had flaky skin around her ankles, wrists. Now this morning I noticed she'd got it all over her tummy. I was planning on giving her a sponge bath this afternoon or evening, and didn't want to dry her out anymore.
Is baby lotion safe? Baby oil seems to 'oily' for me, but if that's what it takes... Your advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you so much!
Lori
First babyitis is hard to beat. We Mamas want to do it all. Newborns often have flaky skin while adjusting to this new world they are in. Using baby lotion on a child this young is safe as long as it's fragrance-free.
Also, try not to make demands on yourself to participate in everything you "used to do." Better for both of you that you spend this time rocking and cuddling Annabelle as much as possible. Do you understand how often an older sister (me) would love to just hold one of their babies and do some serious rocking and snuggling once again? These are the important things, my dear.
With envy,
Grandma Maggie
PS: Please also bring your concern to your pediatrician so that s(he) may address whatever health and skin worries that you may have!
Dear Grandma Maggie,
I have a daughter who is 12. She is in the sixth grade. The three of us (my husband, my daughter and I) decided that we would try to have another baby. My daughter is learning in science about where babies come from and all that, so she understands the process. Unfortunately, I just found out we failed. I had a miscarriage. My husband and I are so upset. It is heartbreaking. My daughter should know that she will not be having a little brother/sister, but I don’t know how to tell her. I mean, how do you tell your twelve-year-old daughter (after she admitting feeling a bit lonely at times, and that she wanted a little sibling) that you had a miscarriage? It’s hard enough for my husband and me to deal with it, but a child? Please give me some advice.
Thank you.
Cindy
First let me offer you my condolences for your loss. Next, I think you must tell you’re twelve year old immediately that you had a miscarriage and there will be no baby in the near future. She also needs to feel the loss before she can get beyond it. I want to make one more suggestion. I think it's important that you mention that one child does not ever replace another, but you are so glad you had her and the joy of her birth with no complications. If either of you cry, so be it. Tell her you know how she feels. Handling this thoroughly at this time will help your daughter learn coping life skills that will be helpful for her throughout her lifetime.
Blessings on all of you.
Grandma Maggie
Dear Grandma,
I can't seem to get my mother-in-law to back off and respect my parenting skills and religion. I'm of one religion and happy about it. She has left this religion and is now Born-Again. All she wants is my daughter to follow in her religion and do the very thing she does best: hurt people with a book. How do I tell her that it’s not a weapon?
Help!
It's not your job to educate your mother-in-law. Your job is to give your own child religious training if that's how you want to have her grow up. But let's face it, many kids adopt a new religion when they are adults, or leave the one that they were raised in.
However, it is kind to respect all religions and not degrade them by saying rude things about them. If your mother-in-law starts in, just say to your daughter, "You know Grandma believes in one religion and we believe in another. What I want you to know is it's important to respect everyone's choices." And I would say it in front of your mother-in-law.
If she continues, you and your husband will have to discuss this. It's his mother so he should be the one to tell her discussing religion is out of the question because of her attitude and if she cannot be quiet about her choices you will have to limit her time with your child. That would really be sad. Kids need all the love they can get from every side. What they don't need is to be exposed to bigotry.
Kindest regards,
Grandma Maggie
Grandma Maggie is not a medical professional and writes purely from her own experience as a mother, grandmother and caregiver. Her advice is her opinion only, and should only be taken as one woman's opinions, which may not be appropriate for everyone. Each situation merits its own evaluation. If seeking medical advice, please call your family pediatrician.
When a child the age of your grandson tantrums, it's because he doesn't feel understood and/or heard. Communication skills at that age are still not fully developed. Labeling a child as a 'monster' is not helpful in the least, nor is hitting.
If the child throws a tantrum at home, sit down near him on the floor and don't try to touch him, but tell him "I know you are feeling bad right now and I am here if you want help." Sounds like a mouthful for a child that age but what he (eventually) hears is that it's ok to feel frustrated and he is loved and cared for no matter what.
If the tantrum concerns leaving some place, then he is probably having trouble with transitions and needs more warning. You can begin using a kitchen timer for transitions at home for bedtime or for mealtime if it means he has to stop to eat or get ready for bed. Tell him 15 minutes ahead of time that the timer will ring when it's time for the next move. When it rings, tell him the clock says it's time now for bed or the meal, picking up toys or whatever is meant to happen next. Soon when you take him out you can hopefully just use the words "the clock says it's time."
It's also a good idea to try to eliminate the word 'no' not because you will give him everything he wants, but often it becomes a trigger word for the tantrum. Instead tell him, "You know, I bet we could make time for that later (or another day). Let's think about that, OK?" Slowly, but usually surely, a child will come around if the pattern is broken.
However Grandma, here's the hard part. Wait until your daughter asks for advice before you toss all this at her. OK?
My best,
Grandma Maggie