Dear Grandma,

I am 32 years old, I have been married for 7 years. I married a man who has fertility problems although my whole life I was planning to have kids. I adore children and I have been a good mother figure for my youngest brother and sisters as well as my nephews. I love my husband very much.

We decided to adopt a child, and we agreed on it. Although my husband does not disagree with me, I feel that he is not happy about it and he is scared that I might get involved with the baby so much that I would forget about him.

I cannot predict my actions. I might get involved with this new girl we are adopting to an extent that I might not give him enough attention. So I am seriously re-thinking the adoption or having a boy instead of a girl. This way he might get involved more in terms of teaching the boy sports and stuff.

I do not want things to change between my husband and me. He is a really good man, but having children is all I think of for the past 4 years. Please help.

Maya

Dear Maya,

I think before you continue with the adoption, you need to take care of some issues. Unless you have talked to your husband about your concerns, you are merely trying to guess how he feels. I think you both need to be honest and talk about this. If you can’t do it on your own then I think a session or two of family therapy might be in order.

You must understand that many men feel the way you assume your husband feels even when they become biological fathers. My suggestion is to never have children hoping that something negative will become something positive.

Children add stress to a relationship. Therefore you need the wholehearted agreement from each of you to create a home for an infant and go forward with this plan. Don”t assume anything. Find out for sure.

Kindest regards,
Grandma Maggie